epiphany

Last night I had a dream... and an epiphany.

I dreamt of my exboyfriend.
And I thought I am over it,  that I  don't love him anymore.
But... I do, I still do. At least the picture of him, the picture of me with him, us.
I didn't lose my love for him, I just lost hope.

He was the first guy in my life that I wanted the whole "lets get married and have children, stay together for the rest of our lives" thing.
But it did not work out. I blame it on him to be honest.
So, I lost hope.
That's the truth.

And please, don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything.
He is the guy to spend my life with.
The dad to my children, hopefully sooner or later as we are trying ;)

I just had to get this out of my system.

ttc.

I guess with yesterday we are ttc.

I am still skeptic as the hubster was skeptic the whole time.

After losing his brother and best friend 3 weeks ago he came home yesterday, telling me he wants to make a baby as life is too short.

13th

my last post was on february 13th, aaaaaaages ago.
But I am trying to make my comeback here, so bear with me...
nothing but a lot has happen.
I am too tired to write it down today, but I am getting there.

mission "skinny bitch"

still wavering around 173lbs. this morning 173,4lbs to be exact.
I am trying to keep the healthy food and attitude up, but for now, with my mood, my depression kicking in plus this awful cold front, I don't have enough energy...
This week weather should be getting better again, I will try to get more out of the house and hope that sun will wake me up in the mornings,  because that always makes me feel better immediately.
chin up. high hopes.

hiatus.

I am not feeling good lately. I don't have enough energy for posting on my blog. bare with me. I will be back.

USCIS stuff.

"Application Type: I765 , APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT AUTHORIZATION.
Your Case Status: Card/ Document Production:
On February 9, 2012, we ordered production of your new card." 

It's a start!!!! 

things I love.

I love Gossip Girl.
Especially CHUCK BASS.
I am currently re-watching it. Made it up to Season 3 since Saturday!

mission "skinny bitch"

no real movement this week. the scale still is on 173lbs, but I feel better, my fav skirt seems to fit a bit better. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but for me that's just how it feels.
And to be honest, it's more about measurements than lbs I think. I should start to take measurements and post those to see if I can trust my feelings.

photo a day challenge feb, 2nd.

"words"

the three words.
the magic words.
say them and I am yours and you are mine forever.

Operation Zeus trailer 2

here is an updated trailer for the documentary of my husband:

Operation Zeus - trailer II

watch it. share it. If you got questions, let me know.
otherwise go to www.operationzeus.com for more infos.
thank you.

things I love.

I love books.
plain & simple.
I left all my books behind when I left Germany, which makes me sad. But it's fun to start a new book collection now.
At the moment I am reading the hunger games trilogy and under the dome by stephen king.
I wish I had a room like this:

Who knows... dreams may come true!!!

photo a day challenge feb, 1st.

"your view today"

february photo a day - challenge.

three months.

today marks the day of three months of being married (18months of being together).
it still seems kind of unreal to me sometimes, I look at my rings, I look at the pictures... and still it is a weird feeling.
we didn't plan getting married this year. but when I came here in October to visit and as we talked about being separated again for months and months, we decided to get married, to try it out to live together here in the US. and finally filed for my green card and my adjustment of status in december, before my legal time to stay was up...

we had the most fun on this day. we chose halloween. even though I still am sad, that my parents, my family and my friends couldn't be there because of money and time issues. the time of notice was just too short for reasonable plane ticket prices. haha. so, we're planning on having another ceremony when we hopefully go visit Germany on xmas, for the sake of this...

having a halloween wedding was most fun. I don't think I am the girl for a real traditional type of wedding in a white gown and all... so, this was kind of perfect for me, for us.
I love my man, I love us. And all I wish for is that I will be able to stay here, to get my green card.

just a few weeks...

I thought I would be stronger, tougher... but I am not.
I miss him terribly. I feel alone, lonely. I am wearing my mask again, I hope I can keep it on a bit longer.
My depression kicked back in last week and it doesn't want to leave again, although I tried to get back on my feet.
This whole situation is wearing me out. Being alone, hardly having friends, not really having something to do, the lack of money because I am not allowed to work and above all this constant fear because of my immigration process. We got a request for evidence, I answered last week, but did not hear anything back, also no word about my biometrics appointment. I just want this whole thing already to be over, to be sure that I can stay here or to hear that I have to leave. the latter would crush me, him, us and I don't really even want to think about it, but it keeps crawling into my mind when I don't keep my guards up.
All this waiting. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do.
It is such a horrible feeling to totally be at the mercy of the USCIS.
I just want to be able to live with the man I love, to wake up next to him every morning, to have a life together, to be able to start planning a family...

mission "skinny bitch"

this week was hell. I felt terrible, feeling depression kicking in again, the weather was bad... and so was my diet. I had a lot kinda comfy food, like ramen noodles, sammiches, nachos...
The scale is kinda forgiving though, it showed 173lbs. this morning. so just a + 0.5lbs.
I am trying to pull myself together again and to get my PMA back up!!!!

PMA explained.

filling in the blanks friday.

1.   My favorite place I've ever traveled to is     Cardiff (although I didn't only travel but lived there) .

2.    Australia     is somewhere I'd love to go someday.

3.  I pass the time on a plane (or bus, or car ride or train) by      reading, listening to music, watching stupid movies or trying to sleep  .

4.  My three must-haves when I travel are     my iPod    ,    thick socks   and     vegan food   .

5.  My favorite travel companion is    my husband, my friends  .

6.  The craziest thing that ever happened to me while traveling is    trying to go a festival in belgium and ending up in france  .

7.  The most exotic food I've ever tried while traveling is      .

8.  If I could live anywhere else, I'd live (in)   somewhere where the summer never ends   .

9.  I have been to    1  

 

state(s) in the U.S.  My first trip to Austin, Texas was also my very first trip to the States in general. But I will try my best to change this soon and at least see 2 other states this year.

something personal.

I am planning on a longer post about ptsd, anxiety disorder and how all of this has an effect on my life, on  our life.
My husband was in the US Army for seven years, including deploying to Iraq three times.
As an aspiring photographer/cinematographer he wanted to make an impact and is now traveling the US visiting old 'brothers' for his documentary.
I mentioned it before and also put down the link here (Operation Zeus ) to show what my husband is doing at the moment.


Operation:Zeus is a documentary focusing on today' new breed of Veteran and the hardships they face in everyday "normal" life. Centered around the 1st Armored Division's 1st Battalion 6th Infantry Regiment, Operation:Zeus takes a look at a close family of "Blood Brothers" as they spend their lives seperately, after spending over 15 months in combat together..

The Name

The name comes from one of the men of 1/6 who took his life after struggling with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. His name was Scott Zaur, an honorable Infantryman and Sniper who fought bravely in 2 tours to Iraq, America needs to know who has defended her.

 

The Myth

As the myth goes, when baby Zeus was born his life was immediately under threat. His father, Cronus, had a habit of swallowing his children out of fear that they might grow up and defeat him in a fight for the throne of supreme ruler. Rhea, Cronus' wife, didn't want him to eat their newest son, Zeus. Instead of giving Zeus to his father, she gave him a stone wrapped around a blanket to eat. She hid Zeus in a cave in Mt. Olympus. She took care of him secretly because she knew that one day, Zeus would bring all his brothers and sisters safely back….

The bonds that exist among Iraq and Afghanistan combat veterans are unique from any other conflicts. Imagine asking World War II volunteers and draftees to deploy to Berlin and live among the Nazis or asking Vietnam draftees and volunteers to live in Hanoi among Vietcong. The all-volunteer Iraq and Afghanistan veterans lived among and alongside the unidentified enemy 12 to 15 months at a time without any front lines and only receiving 15 to 18 days of rest. This unique urban warfare has created a raw vulnerability that is unlike any other; a vulnerability that strips life to its most basic tenets of survival, human needs, and genuine friendship. Indeed, this ancient vulnerability is meant to be communally shared and is only existentially understood by those who have experienced it.

things I love.

I love my jeans vest.

If possible I wear it just with everything.
I guess it is a kinda protection, I think it hides away my belly fat or something... I just wear it and feel ok with something bodyfitting underneath.

age/ing

I just realized something... I am getting old. It's not that I am feeling old, but I am old in age...

I will turn 33 this year, my 'little' brother will be 30, I am straight edge for 14 years, got my septum pierced 12 years ago...
The 90ies are not 10years ago anymore.
Each year goes by faster, where did the last years go?! It feels like yesterday I moved to Munich or to Cardiff. 2011 is kinda a blur.
 I have been so much, but looking back time just flew by.
Yesterday marked the 18th monthaversary with my hubster and me  (yes, I am still cheezy like that). 3months of marriage.. I still wake up some mornings and just realizing that I am a married woman now.
Is that weird?
Am I getting old? Am I an adult already? I don't know...

if/when

If/When I am pregnant, I will buy a french bulldog.

mission "skinny bitch"

this week = SUCCESS. at least a little one.
the scale showed me 172,5lbs this morning. yeah.

yesterday I had soda and ate out at freebirds burritos. but for today I only had granola so far.
The rest of the week contained of rice&beans, potatoes, broccoli & "chickn", ramen noodles 'pimped' with veggies, edamame snacks and healthy sandwiches.

things I love.

I love high lighter.

Currently rocking the ones above.
When I have to summarize stuff, like for school, I always use at least 2 colors. It helps me to focus. Every color has a function.
And yes, I got OCD. haha. damn.

my week 1+2.

last night out.

fav hobby: making silly faces.

having fun, playing rambo.

sad face.

7am dog walks.

freya and occupy bed.

my work schedule.

weird texas weather.

oh america...

lunch break with battle star galactica.

my best mere is back.

cuddles.

my best friend sent me this.

I need to do something with this hair.

wearing my wedding tutu.

51 nights...

more sleeping alone.
I miss my man.

"mission skinny bitch"

this first week wasn't a big success at all, at least weight-wise, my scale still showed me 175lbs this morning... frustrating.

I was eating much more healthy, just one warm meal per day and I only touched soda once this week. I was out a lot, I am expanding the walks with the dog...
I don't know what went wrong?! :(