three months.

today marks the day of three months of being married (18months of being together).
it still seems kind of unreal to me sometimes, I look at my rings, I look at the pictures... and still it is a weird feeling.
we didn't plan getting married this year. but when I came here in October to visit and as we talked about being separated again for months and months, we decided to get married, to try it out to live together here in the US. and finally filed for my green card and my adjustment of status in december, before my legal time to stay was up...

we had the most fun on this day. we chose halloween. even though I still am sad, that my parents, my family and my friends couldn't be there because of money and time issues. the time of notice was just too short for reasonable plane ticket prices. haha. so, we're planning on having another ceremony when we hopefully go visit Germany on xmas, for the sake of this...

having a halloween wedding was most fun. I don't think I am the girl for a real traditional type of wedding in a white gown and all... so, this was kind of perfect for me, for us.
I love my man, I love us. And all I wish for is that I will be able to stay here, to get my green card.

just a few weeks...

I thought I would be stronger, tougher... but I am not.
I miss him terribly. I feel alone, lonely. I am wearing my mask again, I hope I can keep it on a bit longer.
My depression kicked back in last week and it doesn't want to leave again, although I tried to get back on my feet.
This whole situation is wearing me out. Being alone, hardly having friends, not really having something to do, the lack of money because I am not allowed to work and above all this constant fear because of my immigration process. We got a request for evidence, I answered last week, but did not hear anything back, also no word about my biometrics appointment. I just want this whole thing already to be over, to be sure that I can stay here or to hear that I have to leave. the latter would crush me, him, us and I don't really even want to think about it, but it keeps crawling into my mind when I don't keep my guards up.
All this waiting. I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do.
It is such a horrible feeling to totally be at the mercy of the USCIS.
I just want to be able to live with the man I love, to wake up next to him every morning, to have a life together, to be able to start planning a family...

12 for 2012

01. lose 50lbs and grow my hair out. 

02. move into a house by April/May.

03. save money, have a bugdet, stick to it.

04. get through AOS, get my greencard, workallowance and then a JOB.

05. learn to knit.

06. make new friends in Austin. keep the ones I have.

07. improve my spanish, learn a scandinavian language.

08. take better care of myself.

09. get a job I love.

10. six flags for my birthday.

11. go home for xmas.

12. (continue to) be an awesome wife.